Yesterday, our priest, Father Michael Renninger, spoke about his struggle to forgive those responsible for 9/11. He spoke about how he felt he was failing as a Christian because of this inability. He gave voice to what many of us feel about this senseless act and the countless acts of hatred that we witness in the news.

As he spoke, he exposed an important distinction about how we confront the challenges we face as we try to live our lives morally and ethically. He described two typical responses to difficulties. Do we say, “I can’t” do this difficult thing? Or do we say, “I do not know how” to do it? Even for someone who didn’t lose a loved one on 9/11, forgiving those who perpetrate terrorist acts seems impossible. It’s easy to say, “I cannot forgive them.”

I was struck by Father Renninger’s words. The distinction between “I can’t” and “I don’t know how” has implications in all aspects of our lives. When we say “I can’t,” we are really saying we won’t try. When we say, “I don’t know how,” we are giving ourselves the permission to ask for help. Neither statement denies the difficulty of the challenge, but the former is spoken from a position of pessimism or resignation. The latter gives us the hope and encouragement that comes from knowing that someone or something is available to assist us.

From the mundane roadblocks we face daily to the major ethical and moral dilemmas we confront, our approach and attitude often determine our success in overcoming them. Whether we are trying to figure out how to squeeze more into our over-crowded schedules or wrestling with moral challenges like forgiveness, we are either open to the possibility of help, or we can refuse to try. The choice is ours. We cannot change the fact that we will face difficulties, but we can change how we respond to them.